Sorry to Be Away

How's the weekend? Sorry to be away. But it's fight symptoms all day long and don't black out. You have nothing to hide behind anymore. Which means that if you're not careful in protecting yourself from triggering things, the worst can happen. I would never hurt myself or anybody else. But that doesn't mean you can just blissfully ignore this.

Pain is always there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, chest pain. Also, just feeling paralyzed. Like you can't do anything. You want no noise. You don't want to be assaulted. You just want to protect yourself. You hear a little kid cry. Immediately you jump cut to being raped and screaming in pain. Nobody helps you. The mom helps the little kid. Does anybody help us? No. They say they care. So why didn't you do anything?

You know you're not bad. So how come nobody helped us? You don't want to get eaten alive by anger. But  the pain never goes away.

What do you do?

Fight All Day Long

You don't have a choice. You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't want to turn into a burned out, angry monster because of your trauma history. The full reality of my history is hitting now.

Protect yourself.

Another Appointment

How's your part of the world? Another long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from dissociating.     Had another doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is looking good. Despite that, constant exhaustion and pain are always there. Arthritis, circulation pain and more.

On the other hand, I'm not hiding behind destructive stuff that I used to do. Which means everything's flooding out.

No TV today. Can't handle commercials and how everything is corporate. Everybody looks the same, sounds the same and thinks they're funny when they're not. Also, they could care less what you the audience thinks.

How are you dealing with your trauma history? Here it feels like the full horror of mine is hitting me. As scary as it can be, that's a good sign.

Triggers are everywhere. You sit waiting for your appointment, and you can hear a little kid crying across the hall. Instantly you're screaming in pain as you're being raped and nobody bursts into the room to help you. If you're not careful, the slightest trigger could kill you. We have no desire to kill ourselves. But you have to keep that in mind.

Can we stop all of the pain in the world singlehandedly? No. But awareness and trying to do something is okay.

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion

Pain and constantly fighting symptoms. Tomorrow, another appointment. You have to fight back. You don't have a choice.

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion

Fighting symptoms and to not set ourselves up to dissociate. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

You just want to feel safe.

Long Day

Fight symptoms all day long. Now, time to stretch out and focus on how you feel. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Symptoms and Pain

Everything's connected. Lots of pain as you fight symptoms. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. Autoimmune pain, rashes; lots of things can happen. We're really trying to pay attention to how we feel.

Protect yourself.

Fight symptoms all day long. Pain and exhaustion. But you can't just do nothing. Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Fight all day long to not dissociate or black out. By the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But what else can you do?

Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day along. Exhaustion is always there. You try to pace yourself, but it never goes away. On the other hand, you can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Pay attention to small things. If it's a waste of time, don't kill time by doing it. Do something else.

Try to keep a balance. Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Another appointment today. Now, I can hear again! The last time I had wax buildups in my ears, I was almost completely deaf for 2 weeks. So today the doctor, nurse and I talked about the effects of other things on your system (stress, diet and more). They agree that I'm on the right track to deal with all of my health problems.

We know that everything's connected. Your emotions do have an effect on your system. Undealt with stress can make you more suseptible to a wide range of  illnesses. Including cancer. There are peer reviewed studies that have proven this. So why aren't they widely publicized? Because cancer research is a multi billion dollar industry. There are lots of smart, well meaning people trying to do their best work. But why ignore something so key to overall health? Very strange.

Pay attention to how tiny things affect you. Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

More symptoms and exhaustion. Two more doctor appointments this week. In the meantime, don't put yourself in a position to dissociate and black out. You have to protect yourself. Set boundaries and be careful.

More as it happens.

Cover Your Bases

A long day of fighting symptoms. More doctor appointments coming up. In the meantime, fight really hard to not fall apart. I have no death wish. I don't want to give up and just die to escape pain. Why do those thoughts come to mind? We're not sure. But you have to protect yourself.

Time for some more tea.

Symptoms and Trying to Stay Grounded

Fight symptoms all day long. Everything's interconnected. Do your best to stay grounded. You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Set boundaries and protect yourself as best you can.

You just have to.

War in Syria and More

This just in. Trump has decided to go to war with Syria. Of course, the Pentagon and other politicians aren't saying this is a war. Instead, it's a "military response". It's a "proportional response". It's a "counterbalance". It's also illegal under current U.S. law. The President starts a new war. Meanwhile, half the Congress is on a two week vacation. Why?

Because they don't want to be seen as weak. In Trump's mind, he is perfect 100% of the time. He can never ever been seen as weak in any way. When your approval ratings are in the low 30's, start a war. Does Trump know that China and Russia see an attack on Assad as an attack on them? No one knows.

It's hard enough to try and watch triggering stuff like this. I just turn the sound down and read the messages at the bottom of the screen. Symptoms are still there. Osteoarthritis is still there. Some days I can move relatively pain free. On bad days, I have problems standing up because it's so painful. You feel like you're going to snap in two on bad days with anger. You have to fight back to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself. This means being constantly run down all day. By the end of the day, you can barely do anything.

But what else can you do?

The TV is on with the sound turned down. They're playing endless video loops of missiles being launched. Gas attack victims. Assad. Then, all over again. I can't deal with endless sound bites that just fill airtime.

Now Trump. The press asked about Syria, and he blew them off. Does Trump know anything about PTSD? No. This means set boundaries to protect yourself. Can you do this and be aware and care? Yes you can.

Pain is always there. But we're not a danger to anyone. We're not strange in any way. We're trying to deal with health problems as best we can. Everything's connected.

Protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. Don't black out and have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourself.

Another doctor appointment coming up Thursday.

Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and trying not to black out from dissociating. There's no break. You have to fight back.

Now, totally wiped out.